Joy.

How did I get to such a perfect place in my life? I am sitting outside enjoying the sun between classes at university. I have so much freedom in my life now that the drugs and alcohol are gone. But simply removing drugs and alcohol did nothing for me, until I decided to put in the work to change. And so here I am, changing. Every single day I can feel a change inside of me and lately I have found myself hiding inside, scared like I was back in my addiction again. The fear and isolation felt exactly just the darkest of days in my addiction. But without the drugs and alcohol what could the problem be?

It’s me. It’s always been me. I am the one who can make or break my day. From the second I open my eyes I have already decided how I am going to feel for the day and it’s been ruining too many of my days.

I need to learn to be more patient with myself. With the universe. I need to stop being so damn selfish, but also understanding the balance of self care. I need to be gentle with myself while at the same time pushing myself where I need to be pushed.

I am so grateful for this gift I have been given, but sometimes I feel like I’m overflowing with unnamed grief. Yet other times it feels like unrecognizable joy. Today I feel joy.