I have been feeling like I am going dark. Like the darkness that you don’t want to talk about, or even hear about. The darkness that feels like it should be kept a secret, but I know with every fibre of my being that it shouldn’t be a secret. I should speak about it in some form of communication. I should let it out because when I hold in the dark – things get bad. They get really bad when I hide the truth about where my thoughts are taking me.
A major reason I hide the this darkness is because there is no reason for it. My life is perfect. Everything is amazing. I have to bring myself back up, from below the soil. When I get back to earth it’s only because I compare my life to the lives of those who are stuck on the streets. They carry their lives on their backs, in shopping carts, and in their pockets. Some have addictions that run so deep. I have felt that before. I have been there, but not there.
They are entrenched and from where they are standing, policies and laws will never be in their favor. They feel as though they might die on the street. I have hope inside of me that something might change for these people, because I know where I came from. My little secret that’s not a secret. But when I walk by them outside, as I am on my way to my car – I feel like I am almost confused that I even own a car. How did I get here?
I can’t go dark. I know that it’s important for me to continue to manage my wellness, and so when I saw my doctor on Friday for a prescription renewal, I told him what’s happening. It felt good and weird all at the same time, because I am in charge of my body. I am in charge of my mind. We made the decision to adjust my medication as I have been on it for 3 months now, and off the Wellbutrin. I hate to think that I need to rely on a higher dosage of my medication to bring me out of the darkness, but I can’t feel guilty for having a chemical imbalance in my brain. I can’t feel bad for admitting that something is wrong, because I have been avoiding talking about it for months. I have been acting like I am ok, when I’m not.
But today I am ok, because I have taken my wellness back into my hands. I can’t go dark again.