Best version of myself.

What if one day everything in life was so good that there was nothing left to write about? The pain and constant aching subsided for so long that what once felt unattainable, was actually real life. What if the constant barrage of thoughts swirling around in your mind just slowed down to such a pace that you could see each thought, acknowledge it, and bless it. Send it on its way to a land where worries appear to be grains of sand. Those boulders of fear had somehow become a beautiful white sand beach. What if you made a list of your fears, and then actively worked at smashing them. What would happen to the art of writing when you are at peace with yourself?

That’s where I am at.

It’s hard to write about the present, without the fuel to the fire. My fire has changed and that’s a clear sign of my growth. I am no longer fighting for my life. I set goals. I am working on being the best version of myself. Sometimes I wonder if these grand feelings of happiness inside are me, or if they are a product of being a person with bipolar. I don’t live in fear of happiness anymore though. Before I was adjusted to this happiness I would fight it. I would fear happiness because I just assumed me being happy meant that I was having a manic episode. That if something great happened to me it would send me into mania, and I would eventually crash. Everything is so balanced right now in my life – that I no longer fear happiness. I no longer fear being present and enjoying the great things that are happening in my life. I am able to participate in life more than I ever have before.

I am working on the best version of myself.

 

Value.

I feel sad that I have stopped writing.

But I feel elated at the fact that I am healing. I can see a pattern when I think back to all the times that I was unable to stop myself from writing because there was such force behind it – that if I didn’t write I felt like I could implode on myself. But because I am doing so well now, I no longer feel that pressure.

I wish there was a middle ground where I could explore my feelings even during these peaceful times in my life. That I could find the desire to write, without the urgency. That I could share the path to healing because it is really important to note the progress.

Everything in my life is so great right now. I am enrolled in two summer classes because I am working towards my application for my BSW. I have finished my diploma in social services and will be graduating with distinction on June 5th, which is coming up fast. Just before I started school I had mentioned to my boyfriend how cool it would be if I was an honours student. He didn’t want me getting my hopes up, but I wanted something wild and impossible to strive for. And here I am, living it. I will walk across that stage knowing that I did put every ounce of my being towards becoming an honour student.

My past is starting to feel so much more distant than ever before. I don’t just feel like a person with bi-polar, a person who used drugs and alcohol to self medicate her mental illness for over 20 years. I don’t feel like a label anymore. I actually feel like I can be more than my past.

I feel like one of those broken pots that has been put back together with 24 karat gold. I truly feel like I have value now, but the truth is that I have had value all along. It just has taken myself and many others awhile to realize it.