I have starting writing so many times for this next entry and I have deleted everything. There isn’t proper words or even feelings to explain what I have been experiencing.
It is a very confusing silence. My mind is swirling one minute and I’m living and breathing and so grateful, then it just stops.
When I wake up I feel tired even after 12 hours sleep. I am so confused as to what is happening with me because how can I feel this way when my life is so good?
You are so ungrateful. I hear myself say in the back of my mind. It’s over and over and the words are swirling and everything is so complicated and I feel so alone in these feelings. I can hear the distress signals going off.
Then when I finally get out of the house I feel mostly feel great – if I haven’t overslept. But when I have overslept I feel like I am coming off drugs and I just need more sleep.
I feel confused by myself so much lately because it’s been over three years since I drank or drugged and five years today since I have used crystal meth – and this is amazing!! But I can’t help but feel like I’m still so far from healthy. That my carefulness with my mental health has become stunted. That the truth might just be that I am ashamed of feeling this dark, when my life is filled with so much light.
That I have nothing to be down or sad about. But about half of the days I am, with no actual reason. Just that it’s dark.
Please universe – flood me with light.
Becoming Brave 