Today.

I am ok.

Light switch

It is strange at how fast things can change in my brain. When life is busy and I don’t have time to think I feel like I am thriving. I feel on top of the world, and I feel like I have a purpose. Then when things slow down, nothing really drives me. It all doesn’t make sense in the way that it did yesterday and the day before and all those days before then.

Slept around 12 hours, woke up and puttered around the house. Lay my clean laundry all over the living room in small piles waiting to be folded and hung. Sat down with the cat and drank my fancy coffee. Everything felt the same as a normal day except today doesn’t feel normal.

Looking at other people’s lives on social media today made me even more envious than normal. I feel isolated. I feel alone in my thoughts. I feel like my entire life is only devoted to serving others, and as much joy as that brings me – what about me? What about the things that I want in life – will there ever be room for that?

I want to take a nap, but it’s almost time to make dinner. I need to keep some semblance of control over my life by following the order of things in a day. I am still wearing the same clothes I wore to bed. My face feels greasy. I think I am crashing because everything slowed down so suddenly. I think I want to go to bed right after dinner, but I have work in the morning.

This might just be a one day crash, or it might be longer than that – these things are so unpredictable. How can I feel this way when I have felt so good in the past few months?

What happened?

Things.

All is well in my life right now. I feel like I am at a place of self acceptance with my body, acceptance and managing my mental health, and working towards being a helpful professional. I am thriving in university. I am feeling really good inside and for the first time in my life I am not waiting for the shoe to drop. I am not anticipating a crash from a state of mania, because I am learning that sometimes I can be just happy – without it having to be a state of my mental health.

If I do end up crashing, then I will do the same thing I did the last time I crashed. I will reach out to my family and friends, I will contact my doctor and I will adjust my treatment plan accordingly. I know now that I cannot do any of this alone.

I really do miss writing, but the truth is that when I write it tends to create a sort of madness in my mind. I become obsessed with it. Hyperfocused. All I think about when I get caught up in writing, is the words in my head, the constant flow disrupts my day-to-day as I think about what I should post next. I find myself backpeddling with my thoughts and it’s overwhelming. But the outcome is beautiful, and I feel like when I go back and read my words that I have written – I was a different person then.

Each entry I write I find myself evolving into a different person, who eventually and inevitably will either cease to write because I am healed, or cannot stop writing because I have created a madness that cannot be stopped.

To be honest I would be happy with even just slight blips of hyperfocus on writing out what’s going on in my life, and then being able to just return back to my normal life without becoming obsessed. I am not there yet, but I hope to be one day because I really miss writing.