Flood me with light.

I have starting writing so many times for this next entry and I have deleted everything. There isn’t proper words or even feelings to explain what I have been experiencing.

It is a very confusing silence. My mind is swirling one minute and I’m living and breathing and so grateful, then it just stops.

When I wake up I feel tired even after 12 hours sleep. I am so confused as to what is happening with me because how can I feel this way when my life is so good?

You are so ungrateful. I hear myself say in the back of my mind. It’s over and over and the words are swirling and everything is so complicated and I feel so alone in these feelings. I can hear the distress signals going off.

Then when I finally get out of the house I feel mostly feel great – if I haven’t overslept. But when I have overslept I feel like I am coming off drugs and I just need more sleep.

I feel confused by myself so much lately because it’s been over three years since I drank or drugged and five years today since I have used crystal meth – and this is amazing!! But I can’t help but feel like I’m still so far from healthy. That my carefulness with my mental health has become stunted. That the truth might just be that I am ashamed of feeling this dark, when my life is filled with so much light.

That I have nothing to be down or sad about. But about half of the days I am, with no actual reason. Just that it’s dark.

Please universe – flood me with light.

Joy.

How did I get to such a perfect place in my life? I am sitting outside enjoying the sun between classes at university. I have so much freedom in my life now that the drugs and alcohol are gone. But simply removing drugs and alcohol did nothing for me, until I decided to put in the work to change. And so here I am, changing. Every single day I can feel a change inside of me and lately I have found myself hiding inside, scared like I was back in my addiction again. The fear and isolation felt exactly just the darkest of days in my addiction. But without the drugs and alcohol what could the problem be?

It’s me. It’s always been me. I am the one who can make or break my day. From the second I open my eyes I have already decided how I am going to feel for the day and it’s been ruining too many of my days.

I need to learn to be more patient with myself. With the universe. I need to stop being so damn selfish, but also understanding the balance of self care. I need to be gentle with myself while at the same time pushing myself where I need to be pushed.

I am so grateful for this gift I have been given, but sometimes I feel like I’m overflowing with unnamed grief. Yet other times it feels like unrecognizable joy. Today I feel joy.