I’m going to show up.

I have been stuck in hiding and unsure of how I even feel. I would choose bed over anything because the cold honest truth is I feel like I am so close to the darkness that I don’t even have any words.

I spent the week at my parents house 3 hours from home and I just couldn’t manage to shake the feeling that something just destroying me from the inside out. I couldn’t find any sort of balance inside of me. I was exhausted the entire time and I thought maybe I was just in relaxation mode – but deep down I knew exactly what was happening.

Depression is creeping back in and I can see it this time. I am standing here on this dock and I have been watching the waves roll in for so long and I have been ignoring them. The truth is that I don’t really think I am ok. And now I’m still standing here on this dock but I’m watching a tsunami roll in.

Run.

But then there is another truth in that I have no idea if this is how normal people feel, because the only times I have ever felt this calm before in my life, was during the darkest times. The calm usually acts as a warning.

Stay.

I don’t know who I am as a person without my addictions, or mental illness. I feel so lost in my own truth that I don’t feel like I know anything anymore. Like my entire truth has been erased and now I need to relearn it. Ever day that I further into my sobriety time I feel like I am changing but I don’t know how to even deal with it. I don’t know how to even act around people as the person I have become. I still carry around this damn label of alcoholic and addict like I’m wearing it like a badge. I know what I am not just my past so what am I having such a hard time becoming the person that I actually am?

My mind is spinning. I wish I had gone to a meeting today but I napped instead. This is a slippery slope and I can’t go back.

I’m getting up early tomorrow. I’m setting my alarm. I’m doing my hair. Putting on a face. Heading to the noon meeting. I may not understand what it is I am experiencing, but that should not stop me from seeking help from my support system. Maybe I don’t have any words to explain what I am going through, but how will I know if someone else does, if I don’t even show up?

Tomorrow I am going to show up, because for some reason I am not ok.