Thank you.

My blessings come to me in the most mysterious of ways. Today I took my road test to get rid of my N, and I was panicking so much prior. I have lived in doubt for so long that my instant reaction to every situation is to doubt myself. This is a hard habit to break. The test breezed by and I managed to pass. This felt amazing because I never pictured myself driving, never mind with a full license. Owning my own car. Driving.

Afterwards I went to my boyfriends parents place. They had just picked up his daughter from the airport and so they were opening Christmas presents. I sat down and visited and just before we left his daughter brought out a bag with gifts. She gave two to me and I’m not sure how many to her dad because I was so touched and lost in the moment that I couldn’t believe I was getting a gift from her. I opened the first one to find a sampler of teas and the aroma filled my lungs. My God, how did she know I liked teas so much? How could a 12 year old remember? So I asked her. And she told me she did remember that I liked tea. I felt warm fuzzy inside. The next thing I opened was a special tea brewing portable mug for my teas. I felt honored to receive this gift from her. The color even matched my old travel mug I had in my purse. The one that desperately needed replacing. My heart grew today as I received these gifts from her.

We went to the mall afterwards and I took her to lululemon to buy a pair of pants. I was waiting outside the change rooms and a woman who I recognized was also standing by waiting. She made a comment to me about buying my daughter such a great gift. I paused. Because that was not what was happening, but in a way it felt sort of true. I also paused because of where I knew this woman from. She said again about me buying my daughter a great gift thinking I had not heard her the first time, to which I replied oh she’s my boyfriends daughter. And to be honest I should have said she’s my step-daughter but I felt like I should not have that honor to say yet. She proceeded to talk and I walked towards her. I think I know you. But it wasn’t that I thought. I knew. I knew who she was because I have thought about her for years. I wrote about her in my book. This woman helped me change myself. She was instrumental in my success. She was my probation worker in 2013 and she walked alongside me as I decided to quit using crystal meth.

She looked at my puzzled. She did not recognize me. I leaned in. Are you a probation worker? Yes. Yes she was. And right there in the store the hair on my arms stood on end. I told her how much of difference she made in my life, all the things I was doing. All the things. She hugged me three times and I hugged her back. It felt like the universe was just so perfectly aligned at that single moment it brought us together. I have thought about her so much over the years and wished I could tell her how important she was to me, and today i finally got to do that.

Thank you, Carol.

The space.

There is an emptiness that is inside of me. I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to think about it. I just want it to go away but it’s always there.

I never pictured myself wanting to be healthy, living a good life like the way that I am. But here I am. Literally living the good life. Everything is so perfect but there is a hole in my belly, right where they cut me. I feel like I should delete this entry already. I feel like I am being selfish. I feel like this is already too much. This will get cryptic. It has been awhile since I have had to speak in code. But I will remain feeling this emptiness until we are reconnected.

Can you imagine how she feels? I cannot because I don’t know how she feels about this arrangement. I have no idea what any of her thoughts are because… I don’t know. I can’t assume but I don’t know what she wants. I don’t know if there is a timeline. I don’t know what she has been told.

So I wait. And I overachieve in everything in do, because deep down inside I don’t feel like I’m good enough for anything. In school I doubt myself. In my practicum I doubt myself and it’s pointed out that I am lacking confidence because I am when it comes to working with youth. I am not good enough for them ( this is what my brain tells me ) so back to the drawing board.

I overachieve, over and over again. I try to be good enough. I’m doing this all for her. That’s not right, I should be doing this for me? Why can’t I feel like I am enough?

Because I don’t know where I stand and I’m still standing here with this hole in my belly.

And I actually can’t imagine this emptiness going away because it’s been with me for about 16 years to the day.

How does she feel about what’s happening? Do you even know what she wants? No. I assume this is it. My assumptions are eating me alive.

This emptiness, it’s not all that I am – but it takes up much of the space in my body.