Today was the first day in a long time that I have put on jeans, and not wanted to die.
When I first bought these new jeans I was so happy because they fit me so well. They are made for curvy girls. They fit in all the right places, and the rise is high enough to hold everything in.
I was so happy, until I gained a few pounds. Because suddenly these brand new jeans that I was raving about fitting my body, were doing the exact opposite. I felt like they were no longer high rise. I had to undo them just to sit in my car and drive. Heaven forbid that I eat while wearing them. I was so disgusted and upset by the way clothes felt on my body. That’s around the last time I felt like cutting the fat bits off my stomach. Literally taking an exacto knife and cutting it off.
I wasn’t just uncomfortable about my body in my mind. The discomfort I felt in my own skin was destroying me from the inside out. I wasn’t eating meals because I didn’t think I could control myself. Then when I was eating meals I was feeling guilty. My body was going into fat storing mode and I felt like I couldn’t do anything about it. Then I would be upset and I would stress eat.
Then I decided to write about it. Suddenly the solution came in so clear to me.
Change.
And so I did. The night of the 17th of May I decided to change. On the morning of the 18th I started the process. It’s only been 17 days and I have lost 7 lbs. I am not starving myself. I’m eating more than I was before. But smaller portions. And no garbage food. I feel energetic, without being manic. I feel alive.
So this morning it was a rainy day. I was hesitant about even trying on the jeans. I think for about the last 3 weeks I’ve been asking my boyfriend almost everyday if he thinks it’s shorts weather yet. It’s not because I want to show off my smokin’ legs, because I don’t have smokin’ legs. It’s because I bought 4 identical pairs of high waisted shorts, in different patterns from Walmart last year. When I put these shorts on I feel like I don’t have to worry about if they will still fit if I eat something. I don’t feel cut in half. I can pull them up past my bellybutton. I can let my stomach hang out. They make me feel free.
But back to the jeans. So today I pulled them out of my dresser. As I put them on each leg I said to myself, well let’s try this again. Because it was only about a week and a half ago that I tried them on and I almost cried.
Today was different though. They finally fit me. There is room around the waist that wasn’t there before. I didn’t feel like I was being cut in half when I sat down in my car. I ate with them on. I didn’t want to die.
Until it got hot outside and I had to come home and change into a dress. But I didn’t want to even take them off. I tried to tell my brain to shut up and suffer through sweating to death.
Because finally, I felt comfortable in my own skin.