Proud of myself.

I feel like there is a new hole in my heart and it’s where my writing once lived. This hiatus of words has not been forced, but I feel myself forcing it right now.

I sit often and wish that there was something I needed to let out – something that was so important that I found myself sick at the thought of holding onto it. But like I have said – everything has changed. I am less sick than I was before. I am becoming a living, thriving, functioning human being and for some reason it feels like the constant need to write doesn’t live inside of me anymore.

I wrote when and because I was sick. And this is sad to me because I miss the connection I have with my words and the thoughts. They are sweet and they are bitter and my expression felt like at times it was all that was left of me. But that’s not true anymore.

The things that hurt me, and the mistakes I have made I understand a bit more clearly now. Like I still miss my daughter everyday and I think about her more often than not, but to write about her and cause her distress by her reading it is selfish of me. I feel so much, and I need to understand that she is her own person, as am I.

But my words were not only sending distress signals to her, they are doing the same to my family and my boyfriend. To my friends and even people who just read this. Things were so dark for so long and I just wanted to let it out.

I feel like this journal was more than just words because it helped me reconnect with myself. Now I feel disconnected from the writing again and I need to come back to it. But this time I want to write as a healthy version of me. As the person I have grown to be without the outlet of these words.

School starts again next week and I’m finding myself feeling a slight bit nervous, but also more courageous than ever before. I have already completed three semesters and have two left before my diploma. Then hopefully two more years of school and I will have my BSW. This is a huge leap from where I was even three years ago. I am doing this.

I am no longer questioning my ability to act as a professional because I am really actually doing it now. I am a professional and I don’t quite know yet what kind of social worker I want to be, but there is still much to be learned.

Today I am really proud of myself.