Better.

Everything feels better now, and that’s all the words I have to say.

Sharing.

So much has been happening and I haven’t wanted to talk about it. I have been isolating. I have been quiet about it. I have done all the things that I know I am not supposed to do and it feels just like I’m in addiction all over again. I don’t want to talk on the phone, I would rather sleep. I don’t want to write about it because I don’t want people to be concerned. I don’t want to go to recovery meetings because I don’t think anyone will understand that my life is so good right now that I can’t even face it.

So I hide.

And I come to the surface to go to school, to go to work, to do the bare minimum that I need to get things done. And I find myself half in half out of these things because when I am having a good time my face hurts from laughing. My belly cramps because that laughing hurts so good, that I wonder how I could even be depressed?

I don’t even want to use the word depressed because it makes it feel like I am trying to get attention. But the truth is that I am not the same as I was last year. Something has gradually taken over me and I have been fighting this darkness with all that I am. I have been busy, but not too busy to write. I have just been avoiding it because I don’t want cause for concern but the truth is that I have been concerned.

My doctor changed my medication again and it’s only been a few days and I don’t know if it will help. I’m not giving up, this is just me reaching out.

I feel weak in everyway possible. I have been trying to put on a face to show people that it’s not that bad, or maybe to convince myself that of I can manage to put on makeup I am still safe.

I am alive, and so confused. Why would this sickness appear in the most amazing time in my life? I don’t know. I don’t understand.

But this is the truth about what’s been going on and I needed to share it.