Why me?

3 years ago to this day I drank my last drink. At the very moment 3 years ago I was sitting in a hospital bed. I was at the end of my rope. I didn’t want to live. I didn’t know how to live without substances in my body. But for the most part I couldn’t see a life without alcohol in it.

My story is a complicated one and right now I feel almost too tired to tell it. It’s exhausting to go back to that place. I can feel the pressure right now of my past and I shouldn’t be caught in that place. I should celebrate where I am, and the past should not weigh so heavy on me. I can’t regret the things I have done, or the people I have lost. Because if I had not experienced everything that I had, I would not be the person I am today.

Tomorrow I celebrate 3 years clean and sober and for that simple fact I am grateful and proud.

But all the things that have come along with my recovery are the true celebration. Sometimes when I stop to think about where I actually am, I feel so far away from myself. Everything feels different still. I often feel like a fraud because this new life is still so new, and I have only ever known myself as someone else. Someone not to trust. A thief. Someone who fails at everything. A half asser. Someone who is sick. Always high. Someone who is addicted. Can’t stop. Someone who has no hope. Why bother?

But that’s all different now. I am not that person anymore, but I often find myself feeling like there is no actual seperation between then and now. That somehow I just floated from one dimension to another so effortlessly. I was there and now I am here.

But I find myself wondering why? Why was I so lucky to make it out alive and thriving, when so many others have not?

Why me?