There is a quietness within me that doesn’t want to talk, write, think or even feel anything that is happening in and around me. There is so much to talk about. So many things to update this blog with, but it just feels like it matters less now.
I started writing here because I felt like I was spilling over with the thoughts in my mind. That if I didn’t put them down somewhere then surely I would explode. I would find myself posting entry after entry. Even in my darkest times I was unable the slow the words just dumping out of my mind. Things had to be said. And now, it’s so different.
I feel like things have quieted since I published my book. Now wasn’t that the purpose? To have my story out there so that it could be understood. Maybe I can help one person by reading my story. Maybe that one person was me all along?
My book was released in store locally at Chapters yesterday. As soon as I checked the status on their website for the first time I saw that it was there. I was so excited, but I felt paralyzed in bed. The exhaustion from life is catching up to me. I was excited, but it felt different.
I put on my face, and I went to Chapters to visit my books. As I walked in to the store I was met with a table of extraordinary women’s books. I walked around the table and I looked for my book. Don’t they know where I have been? Why am I not here? I laughed at myself. I am not famous. I am not a celebrity. That’s why I am not on this table. It took some time and help from an associate to locate my books, as they were not yet brought to the floor. The associate put them in a temporary location which he referred to as the homeless books, because 40% of the stores books were removed for the next 6 months due to renovations. But my books were there.
They are there. And in about an hour I am going to go pick up my boyfriend and we are going to go visit my books.
Everything feels so different. It’s fuzzy and yet so clear. It feels like I’m dreaming the most phenomenal dream. Ever since the day I gave up on life which was 3 years ago, a week from today. Everything has changed. I am something else now.
I am something different.
Becoming Brave 