When I don’t write I feel like I’m just avoiding myself. There is these dark corners that I find myself peering around, just waiting for a fleeting thought to escape me. Waiting for it to disappear because once it does that, I no longer have anything to write about.
But I’m in the bath right now. The water is almost cold and I started to daze off with my phone in my hand. I am too lazy to wash my hair but that’s the whole reason why I ran the bath in the first place. I feel like I can stay connected, I can study for my midterm tomorrow, I can multitask when I am in the bath. I can’t do the same when I am in the shower.
I understood yesterday why caffeine is dangerous to me. Because I had a cup of coffee each day for the few days prior and it was as if nothing happened. Until it did.
When I had some coffee yesterday morning I found myself pacing, and it was like I was high again. That feeling of hollowness and everything goes ting. I was shaking, but not enough to see it because it was on the inside. But the vibrations were so strong that I couldn’t bear the feeling of being in my own body. I felt like I was close to dying. I know that might sound crazy.
But when I woke up the first time in the morning, in the very early hours I told myself I was already manic. That I didn’t need to turn on my daylight lamp or even have caffeine but something inside me rebelled. I skipped the green tea and went straight for the coffee and still I am paying for it.
Because I really was starting to question whether I actually am bipolar, I sometimes think I am normal and other times I just feel like I’m reeling. Like I’m feeling so many things that don’t make sense, and then they grow and they ebb as they flow.
I’m so tired but something in my mind told me that I needed a release and so here we are now, I think I did it.
I feel at ease.
Becoming Brave 