The last entry I wrote I was spiraling. Moments after, I spent the morning broken, breaking and bawling my eyes out. It felt like the entire world had fallen on my chest and was trying to collapse my lungs. I was drowning. And then after a friend rescued me through Facebook messenger, I picked up the pieces of myself off the floor and cleaned the house.
I went to work early and I decided to walk to the coffee shop and grab some caffeine because I was so exhausted from crying. I decided to call my daughter again, to sing her happy birthday on her voicemail, when suddenly I was caught by surprise. She answered the phone.
I was so excited that even though I wanted to stop talking and interrupting her – I felt like I couldn’t. Because I had no idea even what to say. So that turned into babble. I can’t count the times I interuppted her mid sentence. I need to learn to not do that. But I was kind of in shock. I went from the darkest of days to the brightest of light and it felt like the sunshine just tore through a big dark cloud in the sky.
It was perfect, and I think since then I have just been riding that wave. Or at least trying to.
Things have been moving so fast, and so slow at the same time. My life is no longer just my life, and no longer only my story to share.
I cannot speak about anything I am experiencing in my practicum because it would be a breach of ethics. So I am quiet about what I experience. But I have moments where I wonder if I will ever be a professional. Then I also have moments where I already feel like a professional.
I feel so exhausted from the moment I wake until the moment I sleep. Like my eyes are constantly half closed. Everything is normal. Until it’s not.
I didn’t feel the pressure of school until this week when maybe I finally realized how fast everything was happening. Or maybe it was when I had two early midterms already and got B+ on both of them. This is a problem for me, I didn’t even want to write about it because my last semester I had A’s. I feel ashamed. But only about one of the marks because the first one was from stats, and that’s pretty good for someone who’s scared of math. But in the back of my mind I keep thinking to myself that maybe my medication change did this. Maybe I need to go back on Wellbutrin even with the side effects. Something is different. I felt like I failed.
So I need to stop being so hard on myself, but I’m finding it difficult. I am finding myself stuck in my head and mostly unable to find my footing for the past month and a half and I could pretend to not know why – but that would be a lie.
I have only been to a handful of recovery meetings and I try to make it to big book study on Wednesdays but sometimes I feel like the world is spinning so fast and there just isn’t enough time. How can I balance all that is happening while the same time fitting recovery into my life? This all feels so complicated. This is the first time in my life that I have balanced so many different things and maybe that’s just a learning curve for me.
Maybe I’m rightfully exhausted. I feel like I need to catch another wave.
Becoming Brave 