I feel like I forgot how to write. But more so it feels like there is alot of darkness that’s trying to pull me down. The past few days I think it’s been successful because all I can think about is staying in bed. I know some people just may look at this as being lazy, but for me staying in bed is so much different than that.
It’s the safest place. It protects me. From my thoughts. From any bad decisions. Actually from any decisions all together.
I need to remind myself that I am still learning how to function effectively as a human being. But when I think about that I feel like it’s just a cop out. Like I should toughen up and just be ready for the world. Like I should ignore the dark thoughts that try to take me over. Like I should get over the idea of often just giving up – because it’s so much easier.
There is a darkness inside of me and when everything is quiet and calm – it tries to force it’s way in.
I keep having odd moments when I’ll be talking and I just don’t recognize my own voice anymore. This is going beyond the usual feelings of being someone else because that is just visual. Now it’s affecting my hearing. I don’t know if this is just my way of healing and actually becoming myself or if something is happening that shouldn’t be.
Some days I feel so excited about my life and the current path I am on. Then there is others where everything just seems so backwards and almost inside out. How can I live without the chaos that has fueled almost my entire life. Am I choosing this career path because I’m a chaos junkie, or am I choosing it because I can actually add value to the profession of social work?
There is alot of questions that are running through my mind and that tricky self doubt really wants to take me down. But I won’t let it.
Because this is my life, and I’m the only person that can make it or break it.
Becoming Brave 