Christmas time has been hard for me since 2002. Because we lost my brother and lost my daughter in almost one fell swoop. I feel like I shouldn’t talk about it, because it hurts too much. It hurts everyone who hears about it. But there is always been an emptiness inside of me during this time of year.
My medication change is also throwing me for a loop. I can’t stop sleeping. I also woke up to other another UTI on the 23rd so I have been on 800mg of medication for that and it’s just tearing me apart inside. I am just so exhausted.
Maybe the exhaustion is a combination of all the things happening to me right now. But it’s just so dark inside of my head. I feel like I am constantly being punished for who I was. I don’t know if my daughter doesn’t want to talk to me, because I have left two messages in the past week or so. I feel so empty.
They told me I needed to act like an adult when I tried to contact her outside of them, and I felt like I understood what they said. Because they are her guardians and parents now, but I will always be her Mom. I brought her into this world, and somehow I am forever being punished for it. I understand she’s a teenager and she’s going through shit, but how am I going to make that worse?
I am so confused. People keep telling me what a phenomenal human being I have become, and at the same time I am only allowed to see my daughter once a year. I am only allow to communicate with her during that visit. I send her gifts for her birthday and Christmas which are basically about a month apart. It’s like I am only allowed to think about her for a month long period in the year.
I feel like a strong role model and at the same time I feel like the opposite. How does that even work?
And I have no idea if it’s her that doesn’t want a relationship with me, or them that doesn’t want her to have one. But this is just killing me. Like the thoughts that poison my mind are so harmful.
And I know I shouldn’t feel like this if I am spiritually well. I should accept it and move on and hope one day to have a relationship with my daughter. But right now there is a huge hole in my heart and it makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong still.
I miss trying to live in the present but around this time of year, it’s the last place I want to be.
Becoming Brave 