Me and them.

I feel like I don’t know who I am, because the label of what I am keeps changing.

I went and saw my counsellor today and it was the second time she spoke to me about dissassociative identity disorder. Last time was near the end of our session. She had been asking me leading questions that I knew right where she was taking me. Did I have any gaps in time. Did I ever finds notes in my handwriting that I couldn’t remember writing. No, no and no. Just no. Then when I got home I googled what dissassociative identity disorder actually is. It’s dissassociative identity disorder. Which is basically multiple personality disorder. I laughed at the thought. But when I thought more about the way that I behave, it make sense. Sometimes I feel like I am actually different people. Like %100. But it couldn’t be possible because I don’t have lapses in time. I remember everything, at least I think I do. 

But today when I went back, I have her an update on my appointment with my psychiatrist. I told her that she doesn’t really seem to think that I am bipolar at all, or that I have anxiety. She thought I had borderline personality disorder. 

My counsellor said she understood how my psychiatrist might have thought that, but that there was no way. We went over the things associated with borderline personality disorder and they don’t fit. 

We went back and revisited dissassociative identity disorder and she told me that it exists on a spectrum. Some may just have minor dissassociative states, but some may have extreme states where the individual personalities come to protect the person and completely take over. She told me she was very familiar with this disorder and that she recognizes it in me. 

I think back to everytime that I felt like the only way to explain it was to call it a high, or a crash. Because I was told I was bipolar. So to me that’s what they were. But I only looked at it as though I became someone else. I associated my ups and downs with being a different person, one that I cannot control. But now that I look back, they were not just highs and lows. They were on the same level as me, but so different than me. Like I am a different age when I have my high and low episodes.

It makes sense but I don’t like it. What am I? 

I have spent the past few years finally accepting the idea that I am bipolar, when now it may not even be the correct. 

I called my mum afterwards and explained to her what had just transpired. I couldn’t quite grasp who I was anymore. Like WHO AM I NOW? 

To which she replied You are Lesandra. But that does that entail? Who am I really? What is wrong with me?

This whole me and her thing that I often speak of is starting to feel more real right now. Only it’s less of that, and more like me and them.