I was a bit hesitant about facing the day, especially after deciding this morning to start the process of stopping Wellbutrin to switch my medication, sooner than later.
It was then brought to my attention that completely stopping my Wellbutrin could actually lead to seizures, so I have cut my pill and only taken a third of it. This makes sense for what they mean by when you taper down, but why didn’t the pharmacist recommend this to me? Because I am going to have to stop taking the Wellbutrin at some point and if there is nothing for me to taper off of, then what am I supposed to do?
I got called into work and after sitting here for the first half an hour, I felt so strange. Like I should be at home, instead of here. That I should be resting. I feel like with medication the only thing to do is rest, but it really is the exact opposite.
When I was in the hospital in April of 2015, I started taking Wellbutrin and a few other medications that I am not on anymore. I was on the road to wellness for my mental health and I had no idea how to behave. Like I would try to sit in bed and get rest because I felt like that was what was needed. But I would get restless and find myself doing laps around the psych ward.
Sometimes my illness tricks me and tells me to stay in bed, and then sometimes my wellness tells me thats the path back to darkness and I should get moving.
Sometimes I just don’t know what to think. So I write, and usually something has worked itself out by the end of the conversation.
I was asked last week about doing an interview for an article in my hometown newspaper. I didn’t respond right away because I was obviously scared. When I finally did it was by the seat of my pants that I gained the courage. We talked briefly and I sent him my book via email.
I had sent a few messages afterwards, and there was no response. I thought I had been ghosted. I was convinced he read parts of the book and thought it was garbage. I tricked myself into hating myself. I felt so low, because I didn’t know. I hate the unknown. It leads me to dark places.
And then today I got a message back from him, to call the office to talk. But I got called into work, so the interview happened in between phone calls for people wanting to order chinese food. I feel good about it. I feel happy.
Tonight I am feeling really brave.
Becoming Brave 