Normalcy.

Today I am 32 months sober and clean. Leaps and bounds. I have come leaps and bounds from the person I was trapped being.

I’m on day three of my new medication and this morning had to make the decision to stop taking my old medication all together. I know this isn’t the recommended method but I had no way of even tapering my medication because I am already at the lowest dosage of Wellbutrin. I would rather deal with the side effects now, than have to deal with them while I am in my first week back at school. Not just back at school, but I also start my practicum that same week, and I will be in the mental health field.

I can’t believe this. I can’t believe where I am in life right now. 

I am sitting in my comfy bed at home, making real adult decisions. I am taking control of my mental health by making choices for myself, instead of being scared of facing a rough patch. I have been scared of switching medications since I started Wellbutrin because it was working so well for me, and I ignored the side effects. It wasn’t just causing my bladder to vibrate constantly, it was also causing mania. But I had to balance the good and the bad and the good things were just so good that I suffered. But I won’t do that anymore. Because I am not afraid anymore to try different options that may work better for me.

Last year this time I would have freaked out at the suggestion of a medication change. In fact I think I did. And the only way it would be possible, in my mind, was if I was hospitalized during the change. 

I think the greatest part about this recovery of myself is the fact that my thoughts and ideas that often are so concrete in my mind, have the ability to change. It’s like one day I just wake up and something that I felt so strongly against even trying or accepting into my life has finally lowered it’s guard. I become willing to try something new and different and I am a better person for it.

I feel strange right now, my mind feels different and I know that’s just the initial weirdness of medication. I hope this works out for me, because I have alot of good stuff happening for me right now and I deserve to live my life with a balanced mind. Just as everyone else does. We all deserve to feel some sense of normalcy to our chaos.