Happiness.

The worst part about starting new medication is the first few weeks. It doesn’t matter how low the dosage, it makes me feel fucked up. Like when I talk I don’t feel like I’m even making sense. I feel like there is gaps in time. I am aware of every single thing I do from the clenching of my teeth, to the focusing of my eyes. I can feel my body move like I haven’t for such a long time.

My head feels like it’s full of metal. Metalhead I used to call the feeling when I dropped acid in high school. That same feeling followed me whenever I would try to start on any antidepressants I would associate it with acid and I would stop taking them.

I need to get away from associating things with drugs. I just feel like there was so much saturation of drugs in my life that it’s hard to not associate so many things with some form of substance from my past.

I am sitting in the dark in my bedroom. I have been trying to nap for the last 2 hours but I have had no success in even putting my phone down.

I woke up at 7:30 this morning so I could head out to Nightshift Ministries and help with setting up the Christmas dinner for our street friends. The tables are all set up in a long row, like a family would have at Christmas. It makes my heart feels so warm thinking about how amazing tonight is going to be. 

It has been months since I have been able to volunteer at Nightshift and I really miss it. I had been going every Tuesday night for 9 months. We would do the art class before the dinner service, and I felt at home with the group of people that would regularly come and join our class. We would socialize and just enjoy the company of each other. Being busy with school and work has made it nearly impossible for me to continuing going, but I hope that changes in the new year. Volunteering is such an amazing feeling, so much that it doesn’t feel like volunteering. It just feels like it’s somewhere that I want to be that I can be of service to those who need it most.

I need to spend more time outside of my own head, helping others. That is where happiness is.