I felt like I was two very distinct people during my first appointment with my new psychiatrist this afternoon. I don’t know how it happens but it’s like something changes in me. Not even inward, mostly in my outward self. I react to something that’s said and my tone changes. Everything changes.
I felt myself judging. Then I felt relaxed. Judging. Don’t you know who I am? Why are you asking me why my doctor thought I suffered from anxiety at the age of 14? I don’t remember most of it. Why are you asking why we think I am bipolar? Because you say it’s hard to diagnose that when someone is on drugs. Yes I am aware. What came first, the chicken or the egg?
So what brings you here today?
And I have no idea how to answer that. But I do as I stumble over words. The entire time my bladder is vibrating. But I just went to the washroom. Not this again. It’s always something.
So I told her what I have been wanting to say to a doctor for so long. I can’t handle the side effect of Wellbutrin. Ever since I started taking it in April of 2015, I have suffered from overactive bladder. Maybe a year ago I finally did something about it. I didn’t switch from the Wellbutrin to something else, because I was feeling balanced. So I was prescribed a medication that would stop my bladder from feeling like it was constantly shaking. Awesome. It works, sometimes too well. I would wake up in the morning and could feel my bladder was full, but I couldn’t quite empty it. Also it became unaffordable having to pay out of pocket every month. So I only take it every 4 or so days now.
I hate it. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t take medication to treat a side effect from medication. But I have been too scared to say anything because I don’t want to have to go through with the withdrawal and the starting of a new medication.
But it’s time. Today I have started the process of saying goodbye to Wellbutrin, and hello to Celexa. I have no idea how it’s going to make me feel. I am scared. I am supposed to take both in the morning for two weeks, and then stopped taking Wellbutrin, and continue on with this. The pharmacist warned me of the withdrawl symptoms that might happen, and that would definitely happen if I just stopped taking Wellbutrin all together.
He also warned me that it may cause mania, which I hope isn’t too bad. I really should have done this in the summertime when there was more time before school started, but I was too scared.
She also at the end of the session said that I quite possibly also have borderline personality disorder. Which many different doctors have said. They keep saying this but nobody is diagnosing me with it. They just keep talking in circles. She said that it’s not like diagnosing a broken arm. The lines in this case are very fuzzy.
I don’t know what this even means for me, but I hope I am making the right decision here.
Becoming Brave 