I want to be a social worker.

It turns out my counselling appointment was canceled yesterday, by voicemail. But I didn’t answer the call because I was in class, and I didn’t check the voicemail because I thought it was just a confirmation call.

So I didn’t get to talk today about the thoughts that weigh heavy on me, but I did decide to extend my education.

Last week a seed was planted in my mind, when my practicum teacher asked me if I was planning to go forward to the BSW program, and get an actual degree. To become an actual social worker. To which I replied, no. I am only being funded for 2 years, which will be only applicable for the diploma program.

He told me how wonderful it would be to go all the way to the degree, and how great of a social worker I would be. 

I brushed it off because there was no options. There was no way I could go forward. 

And it sat, right in my stomach. It made me feel like a diploma just wasn’t enough anymore. I was so proud of what my goal was, but it wasn’t going to be enough to establish a career that could change anything. Like it felt like I was going to school to become a plumber, and suddenly I was told that the diploma would only make me a plumbers helper, and not an actual plumber. That I couldn’t call myself a plumber unless I stayed for two more years.

So I planned, and I brewed. I emailed back and forth with the teacher, and from what he told me it sounds like this isn’t just his opinion that I would do great work, but that another one of my teachers also holds the same opinion.

I brewed and I stewed. Then I went through the BSW program outline, and I rearranged my classes and added a few that are required for the degree.

Just minutes ago I received confirmation that I have an appointment at 10 in the morning with my program advisor, on the same day that’s the anniversary of my brothers 15 year suicide. 

I feel like he’s guiding me. I feel like our distance for almost our whole lives, and his short lived life – is part of the equation that is bringing me to do better for myself. To do better for those people who need someone to walk with them. To guide them in change.

Because he was scared of help. And I want to be a part of that solution for the future. 

I’m working towards getting my Bachelor of Social Work degree now, instead of just my diploma. Because I know that my life has amounted to more than just being a ‘helper’ of a profession.

I want to be a social worker.