Torn.

I made the rule about 4 years ago, that today would only ever be the celebration of my mom’s birthday. We wouldn’t talk, think or even breathe about the events that happened tomorrow, from our past.

Because for so many years my mom didn’t have a birthday. It didn’t matter whether there was a celebration because tomorrow would always come. 

Her birthday would blend into the next day, which was never a cause for celebration.

And I see now how hard it would be for her to seperate the two days. 

And today, I want to drive the 3 hours to see her, but I have a midterm this afternoon. I don’t want her to be alone today, because my dad still works down here in the mainland and she is up in Peachland. 

I am almost sure this will be my mom’s first birthday alone, and it’s breaking me to pieces. Because she shouldn’t be alone today, she should be out eating all the foods and celebrating with all the good people in her life. 

But she’s not. 

And now I am plotting how I can get to her house with my tires that are not ready for the winter. And my tank which is almost on empty. And the daylight that threatens to go down, just as I would be halfway there. 

I’m feeling really torn right now, I just want to be with my mom. She is where my strength and courage has come from, she is the bravest person I know, and I don’t think she should be alone right now.

I’m just torn.