I am scared.

I don’t have class today, but I do have a counselling appointment at school. 

I am putting my makeup on, just as I do every morning. This is actually something fairly new to me, as it’s only been since I got sober that I started to wear makeup everyday. I couldn’t afford it before, and also didn’t see a point. I didn’t want to be seen.

Today it feels pointless though. It feels pointless because there is so much grief that is living inside of me, and this time of the year things are really heavy. They are so heavy. My counsellor is going to ask me how I am doing, and I will tell her. I will tell her that school is going great, because I am applying myself. That today I am two years sober and clean. That everything is great. 

But.

There is always a but. And those years are just resting against the back of my eyelids. There is nothing brave about holding it in, and I’ve been holding it in for so long. I’ve never actually talked to any professional about the things that have happened in my life, other than my family doctor. And that doesn’t even skim the surface.

What should I tell her? What shouldn’t I tell her? I don’t think I’m ready for this. I didn’t even ask for this appointment, she booked me in for two more appointments after my last. She called them crisis appointments. 

There is just so much to say. But not enough words. I don’t think I’m ready to talk. I don’t think I will be able to stop crying once I start.

I feel so heavy right now. I’m on the verge of tears because there is so much inside me.

I don’t want to talk about all the things that have happened in the last 15 years. I don’t want to feel anything right now, because feeling things is really confusing.

It feels like if I open my mouth there will be an avalanche. I don’t know how to survive an avalanche.

I feel like a mountain of strength, filled with hot lava. This is so confusing. I don’t want to talk, because it’s going to hurt too much. Because the truth is, everyday I think about the losses of that October 15 years ago. I live inside the past every single day, even though I appear to be present – I am not. Because the losses haunts me every single day.

I am scared.