October’s.

I am getting straight A’s in University and I can’t stop crying. It doesn’t matter what I think about I just keep crying.

It started out because my boyfriend made a point about anytime that he disagrees with something I say, I get super defensive. I do, I get up in arms about things. Because I don’t know how to be not defensive. I take everything that is said to me, that involves me – super personally.

I am so broken. I am so fucked up. I can’t even communicate properly with the person I love. I don’t know how to communicate because I feel like I don’t even belong in this body.

I was bawling my eyes out driving home and it felt like the same thing that has been happening to me alot within the past few months. I feel like I go out of my body, and someone else is in it. Like they are sitting in my body but I am seeing through their eyes. Like I’m wearing a mascot costume and I can see through the eye holes, but there is distance. 

There is so much distance between me and everything that’s happening to me.

Tomorrow will be my 2 and a half year sober and clean date. This is amazing. This is outstanding, but I can’t stop crying. I feel like I will never know how to not be all up in arms. I feel like I can’t really change these horrible defense mechanisms I have picked up over the years. I have developed these things that I have because they protect me. They keep me safe.

I feel like when I decided to change my life, that I was just dropped into someone’s body. I was dropped into someone’s life and I don’t even recognize myself. I don’t know who this body belongs to, because I often don’t recognize it. 

I’ve stopped crying now, but it’s only because I’m sitting in the dark, hiding. I have so much work to do, but I don’t feel like I have it in me right now.

I hate October’s. I don’t want to think about why I hate October’s because I will start crying again.

Next Thursday is the 15 year anniversary of my brothers suicide, and the day that everything changed.  I didn’t just loose my brother, I lost my family for years, I lost my daughter, I lost my mind, I lost touch with reality.

Everything changed, and I stayed the same – I stayed in my addiction because it was my destiny. My worth was found in the bottom of a meth pipe.

And now I am a straight A University student and I can’t stop crying.