Done writing.

It’s 1:30 I am still in bed.

I crashed hard last night when I got home. I didn’t want to talk about my day because I was so tired. I had been going for over 12 hours straight. He told me that’s what he does everyday. But I am not him. I am not built the same. My brain is not the same. My body is not the same.

I was told that I had been so negative the last few months that it was affecting my boyfriend. He couldn’t read my blog because it was negative.

Thing is… I was more positive in the last few months because I was able to write down the negative stuff and put it out there. Because the moment I write it down it starts changing and becoming something different.

I sat on the living room floor bawling my eyes out. Because I don’t want to be that person. That negative person that someone puts up with and loves because they don’t want them to break if they leave them. Looking back and trying to see whether the last few months I’ve only been negative makes me shake my head. If that’s true then I am living in a complete fabrication of reality.

It’s like when I’m super happy, I feel like too much. When I’m super depressed, I feel like too much. I am really starting to question everything about myself here.

I almost drove myself to the hospital last night but I had already taken my night time medication and it makes me very drowsy. I cried myself to sleep because I was crashing so hard. 

Now I am crying again. Because my boyfriend just called for the second time today to ask how I was doing. And he only could say oh wow when I told him I was still in bed.

Yes. Wow. It’s shocking I know. But this is what I am working with here. This is how fucked up I am. Now is it clear as to why I drank and used for so long? This is me without drugs. I am so broken. But somehow this whole time I thought I was healing?

Just when I thought this writing was helping, apparently it’s making me face too much negativity. All of this negative shit in my head started right after I started writing again.

So I’m done for now.

I’m done writing.