Always eat my feelings.

I had a very fulfilling day. It turned out to be everything I could have asked for. Even though the silence at times made me feel like I was in a place where I caused the silence. Sometimes the silence makes me think too much.

Now I am sitting here on the ferry on my way home. I am feeling emotions and when I feel emotion it is in my nature to consume. I already ate a huge lunch and before I got on the ferry I had an urge for coffee. I decided upon hot chocolate, instead of coffee – with the expert advice of my daughter. I thought about having a snack too but I told myself no. Until it got time to get to the counter and pay for my hot chocolate. Then I saw something that looked delicious and it was within reach. So I bought that little treat too.

I wolfed down the treat and almost finished the hot chocolate before even getting on the first ferry. I felt sick. I felt full.

Then before the ferry even docked I had decided I deserved a white spot hamburger, and that’s what I would eat on the second ferry. I could visualize myself sitting with the burger on the table in front of me. I could taste it. I could feel what I could only call nourishment. I decided I wouldn’t get fries or a pop.

Until I boarded the second ferry and raced to the lineup for dinner. I waited patiently and suddenly my brain was telling me that I needed to get the combo. Why did it think this? Because I pictured myself sitting down to eat and finishing my burger, and suddenly wanting a pop. Or french fries. But I don’t even really think I want french fries. I might want sweet potato fries though. So if I miss this opportunity to get the combo for a discounted price, I may screw myself in the end.

So I got the combo. With yam fries. But I asked for a bag for the fries so I could bring them home.

Once I say down to eat my burger I was full before I was halfway through. But I kept going. When I was done I placed my fries and chipotle sauce in the bag and went to the front of the ferry to relax. Within minutes I found myself tearing the sides of the paper bag so that I could munch on the fries. Then I opened the sauce and started dipping. I was full – but I kept going.

Until I had to move to a new location to charge my vape. So here I am sitting in the business area at a desk. The moment I sat down I plugged in my vape and then proceeded to finish my fries and the rest of my pop.

I feel so sick right now. I know I did it to myself, but I just couldn’t stop. Something in my brain told me that if I consumed I would only feel the pain of my stomach stretching. I would only feel sick. 

I wouldn’t have to process all the good feelings and the unexplainable feelings I am feeling.

This makes no sense for me to be feeling this way. I didn’t have a bad day – it was the exact opposite. My brain is crosswired wrong and I need to work on that.

I feel fuzzy, full, sick and exhausted. If this ferry ride was just a little bit longer I would curl up on the floor and wait out this horrible feeling of overeating.

This feeling of eating my feelings.