This is the first time in a very long time that I can remember feeling just normal.
Just plain old lesandra. Everything inside my head is quiet. Which makes it nearly impossible to have anything to write about. When I write it’s because my mind is streaming thought after thought in all sorts of directions. The only way to let it go, is to write it.
But right now my mind is absent of thoughts. I wasn’t even going to post because it is so absent. But I think it important for me to be able to look back and see that it is possible to be calm, after the mania. That I don’t need to have a huge breakdown to come down from the high that mania puts me on.
For once I didn’t feel scared about crashing. I just let myself go through the motions of madness and let myself write as much as I needed to. Talk as fast as I wanted to. And be as loud as I knew I could.
Looking back on most of the times I crash, it appears that I self sabotage. I am afraid of the crash, so I make a huge production so that I trick my entire self into crashing. Because crying in hysterics is a really good way to exhaust myself out of mania.
This feels so different now. So fluid. So natural. Maybe my bi-polar brain is finally starting to heal.
I hope all my crashes are this organic.
Becoming Brave 
When i get my old self,to be me again, that’s when i really feel like writing, to help all those out there that are suffering, to let them know that it’s possible to get there, what a great feeling, got to work on staying in that space but it’s so fucking hard, gurus and meditation and yoga and meds havn’t really worked for me, i’m weening myself off the meds, i don’t give a shit about panic attacks anymore, go ahead come on in and make me feel like i’m crazy, you don’t scare me anymore you stupid brain.
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