The mania has subsided. So much that as I was driving home, I almost felt like I was floating. Exhausted from being on a high, that probably wasn’t helped by introducing caffeine. I feel like at this point my brain has just completely shut down.
The gloves have been removed and I am done fighting my own thoughts in my head. This crash actually doesn’t feel too bad. Considering it’s a crash. Normally I would somehow pick a fight with my boyfriend or just have an all around complete meltdown in order for the mania to subside.
There was a few minor cries and a mini meltdown, but nothing too major. I feel like there is success in this.
A woman I met a few years ago told me that she was also bi-polar. As she was much older than me, she told me that when you get older the mania subsides and you are only left to deal with the lows. I hope that doesn’t end up being the case for me, even so I take medication to combat the lows and I can see myself taking medication until the day I pass.
As I left the parking lot of Save on Foods I saw a man staggering the direction I had just come from. He has scabs all over his face. He looked like he had been crying. I slowed down because something seemed so familiar in him. It turns out that I did know him. I have known him since he was a kid, but the last time I saw him was when we had relapsed together. We had become reacquainted about 4 years ago, and we were both clean and sober at the time. Something happened and we both fell back into what started out as drinking. We were toxic for each other but I thought we were just having fun.
He doesn’t appear to be having fun anymore. I wanted to stop the car because my heart was sinking and I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to fix him. I wanted to give him all my money and drive him to detox. My heart wanted to help, but my mind told me to keep driving.
Thing is he has been clean and sober before. He’s been down that road and the glow of his skin, the light in his eyes. He was happy. That’s what drew me to him. Now there is just emptiness.
What on earth can be hurting him so much that he keeps going back? Does he not really understand how much better life is without the drugs? Without the pain. He didn’t look like he was having any fun.
It’s like the partying is fun, until it isn’t anymore. And sometimes when it isn’t fun anymore – it’s too late.
I really wanted to stop my car – but I didn’t feel safe. I wanted to give him everything and I have no idea what state of mind he is in right now.
I just pray he makes the decision to be done. To go seek help. Because nobody should ever have to suffer in addiction.
Becoming Brave 