There is nothing nice about being stuck in bed until almost 11 am. There is nothing nice about having over 12 hours sleep and it never being enough. There is nothing relaxing about being stuck here.
This is not where I want to be. I am fucking paralyzed by everything right now. I can’t even make a decision about whether I should open the window or not and I’m sitting here sweating. I have to go pee and I can’t even get up to do that, even though I am already sitting up.
So when you think I’m being lazy because I am still in bed, think again. This is actually killing me. It feels like I’m being eaten alive by my own fears. But what is this other option? Absolute mania. So go to the doctor’s you say? Sure, then I will become a robot.
Almost everyday it’s something. Why am I so fucked up? Why does the idea of my life becoming better, only just now become so god damn paralyzing.
This entire time I have talked and talk and walked the walk wanting to change my life. Wanting to go to school and have a career and now how can I do that if I am too scared and fucked up to get out of bed?
And yes my day will eventually get better and I will wonder why I ever felt this way in the morning. But why does it feel like I want to die, so many mornings these days? I don’t want to feel like this.
Becoming Brave 