Unburdened.

I feel ten thousand times better. I just left the recovery meeting and I feel new.

I’ve been avoiding going because I feel like they won’t understand. They couldn’t understand that I am going through this awful pain – not because of failure in my life, but because of success.

Because for once in my life everything I have ever dreamed of has actually come true. And that is so terrifying that I feel like I am falling apart.

This last month I had abandoned my recovery program and all the people in it, yet I was the one sitting at home feeling abandoned. Somehow I was ok with emotional relapse. How did I not see the next step was relapse?

I had a dream last night that I had been using or drinking. I can’t remember clearly. Usually when that happens I wake up in a panic and feel like I just fucked up my entire sober time and would have to start over. I would be upset. Then to realize when I wake it’s just a dream. This morning was different though. There was no panic. There was no relief. It just felt so seamless, as though it was actually my everyday life.

It’s like a snake is making its way into my mind. Emotional relapse leading to actual relapse. Do it so that you don’t have to go to school. Self sabotage so that nobody will ever expect anything more from you.

I need to stay connected to the fellowship. I need more meetings. I need to carry the message. I need to stay positive. 

Today felt like I was the best meeting of my entire life. I cried so hard when I was asked to share but it was like an entire months worth of thoughts and emotions just rolled off my chest.

I feel unburdened. I feel healed.