Value.

I feel sad that I have stopped writing.

But I feel elated at the fact that I am healing. I can see a pattern when I think back to all the times that I was unable to stop myself from writing because there was such force behind it – that if I didn’t write I felt like I could implode on myself. But because I am doing so well now, I no longer feel that pressure.

I wish there was a middle ground where I could explore my feelings even during these peaceful times in my life. That I could find the desire to write, without the urgency. That I could share the path to healing because it is really important to note the progress.

Everything in my life is so great right now. I am enrolled in two summer classes because I am working towards my application for my BSW. I have finished my diploma in social services and will be graduating with distinction on June 5th, which is coming up fast. Just before I started school I had mentioned to my boyfriend how cool it would be if I was an honours student. He didn’t want me getting my hopes up, but I wanted something wild and impossible to strive for. And here I am, living it. I will walk across that stage knowing that I did put every ounce of my being towards becoming an honour student.

My past is starting to feel so much more distant than ever before. I don’t just feel like a person with bi-polar, a person who used drugs and alcohol to self medicate her mental illness for over 20 years. I don’t feel like a label anymore. I actually feel like I can be more than my past.

I feel like one of those broken pots that has been put back together with 24 karat gold. I truly feel like I have value now, but the truth is that I have had value all along. It just has taken myself and many others awhile to realize it.