Victories.

Right now in my life I am living through little victories. There is nothing that feels major enough for me to even write about, because the feeling of drowning is an ever present thing. I am still finding myself trying to normalize to this new life that I have found myself in. Learning who I am as a professional and also as a person. Everyday still feels strange, and I found myself sitting in stats class today wanting to throw my hands in the air and walk out. But I can’t because I’m not willing to go back to where I was.

I have come to far to give up.

But I am also learning that the path I want to take might not be the path that I recently decided. I originally planned for getting the social services diploma and I was happy with this. Until a teacher told me I should go for the degree and made me feel like the diploma was like going to school to become a plumber, but only getting a certificate to become a plumbers helper. He changed how I felt about the choice I made for school. Not only that I couldn’t afford to go to school after my sponsorship ended. But with a little more encouragement and the possibility of assistance financially I made the decision that I would go forward with the degree.

But things have changed now and that new plan might not be possible afterall. I am battling with myself in my head every second of every day because I want to go back to being happy about getting the diploma. I want to be proud. I want to know that it’s good enough. That I will have an excellent career. I want to be grateful like I was before I was pushed into the direction of getting the degree.

I am trying to trust in the universe but I know that I need to prepare for the possibility that my education might end in a year. That should be good enough. I won’t get to call myself a social worker, but do I really need that title to be able to help people?

I am swimming right now, but sometimes it feels like drowning. I couldn’t have ever imagined that my life as a student would be harder than my life as a drug addict but in some strange way it is. I gotta keep pulling myself back up to the surface and reminding myself where I came from. It would be easy to go back, but I don’t want to.

There is a purpose for me that is still unknown and when I think about that – then I know I have found today’s small victory.