Radio silence.

I was dropping minorly on the charts for my book, then I went right back up to second and first place. It went up and down a few times for the 6 days but as of yesterday night I started dropping like I never even existed.

A few people have received their books, and maybe a few more that I don’t know of. More will be receiving them this week. I feel scared. I feel sick. It’s not just a book. It was my diary. It was my actual diary and it’s not my story that I am afraid to be judged on. I can’t get this nonsense out of my head. I knew it would be hard, to wait. I knew it would be hard to have people not like it. To be judged. But this is awful. 

I don’t want to get out of bed. I woke up to drink my breakfast shake and I went back to bed. Only to stay warm and then when my cat sprawled her body across the side of mine I decided it was better to stay in bed.

I have had a few books in my time that didn’t ‘do it for me’ in the first few pages, so I didn’t read any futhur. I had come to my conclusion that I wouldn’t like the book. I feel like that’s what’s happening with my book right now.

I asked my boyfriend why he hadn’t read it yet. He told me that I told him not to read it. I don’t remember that, but maybe I did. Maybe it’s too much for him.

But he’s been reading little bits of it lately. I don’t understand why he would rather play a video game on his phone, than support me and read my book. 

“Because reading an 18 year olds diary does nothing for me.” 

Well that is only the beginning. It changes. I change.

This set a rage on fire inside of me. Why wouldn’t anyone that has a child want to read an 18 year olds diary? I was not unique in the thoughts, feelings, desires, inadequacies that I felt growing up. Those things didn’t disappear when I turned 19 or even 20. They were always there, and they still are here. They are just less than they were because I have finally grown.

He doesn’t understand how people could become addicted to drugs, because he never has been. He is not an addict, and I always have been. Maybe that’s why the story doesn’t make sense to him, and it doesn’t appeal to him. Because he doesn’t feel any familiarity in the things I am talking about. The feelings. So many feelings.

Maybe this book isn’t for everyone, but I hope it does reach the people that it is for. The universe led me to this path and right where I am standing right now – I feel like I don’t understand why.

Because all I am hearing is radio silence.