The darkness is here.
And it’s just like I remembered it being.
No fail every fall it comes for me. And now living in a basement suite, it feels so much worse than ever before. I know that it’s sunny outside because I went to the kitchen window and looked up at the sky. It was a perfect blue. But that didn’t change the way that I felt.
Woke up around 10:00 am and didn’t feel like it was enough sleep. 10 hours sleep is more than enough. Went to the kitchen to put on my tea and make my breakfast shake. Then came back to bed, this time turned the light on.
I’ve been sitting in bed for half an hour, checking all the different things on my phone that make me feel more connected. I dreamt of my daughter again last night and this time she was texting me, and we were hanging out after school. It felt so real. Maybe that’s why I wanted to stay asleep today.
But now I’m up, and my phone is still in my hand. My tea is still steeping, which means it’s probably going to taste off.
But the darkness is here for me. I should go set up my therapy light and park my butt at the kitchen table. I have so many papers to write for school. I have so much to do, but somehow I feel the grip of darkness.
It’s holding me down right now. It’s so familiar. It doesn’t want me to succeed. It just wants me to stay right here, in bed.
I’m standing now, I’m going to put my tea in a mug and sit down at the table. I’m going to plug my light in, and wait.
I’m just going to drink my tea and wait for the darkness to retreat a bit.
Becoming Brave 