Grieving.

It’s after 10 in the morning. I slept in, because I didn’t want to wake up. When I woke up at 8 I forced myself to go back to sleep. I wasn’t ready for today. I don’t want to cry.

Now it’s almost 10:30. I have put my tea on, fed the cat, taken my meds and made my breakfast shake. It was so hard to get up, but I know that I don’t need so much sleep. I was actually in bed around 7:30 last night. My thoughts are all over the place. 

I’m waiting for my hair straightener to heat up, and so I’m surfing through Facebook. It’s #jayday today, and it’s just a day of remembering Jason. Yesterday I waved the white flag in the form of a letter. I can’t be mad at him anymore. Yesterday was a beautiful sunny day. I was forced to take the scenic route home from school because of nightmare traffic. Every ten minutes I wanted to stop the car and just sit and be present. It’s like the day opened up for my Mom to have such a beautiful sunny perfect day, and everything kept telling me to drive to her. Except my tires. I didn’t have the right tires. 

And now today, is rain. I can hear it hitting the window ledge outside my bedroom window. I can only imagine how miserable it is outside. Yesterday was like waving the white flag and the day was perfect. Today is the day the grief comes.

Because I didn’t loose my brother the day he died. I lost him many years before that.  And just before he died was when it started to feel like I was finally getting my brother back.

So today I am no longer mad at him, now I am just grieving.