Music.

During my meth addiction I feel like music was one of the things that kept me alive. It sounds a bit crazy but at certain times in my life, music was all I had left. I could always find myself relating to the music more than I felt like I could relate to the world.

I had always wanted to go to a music festival, but I didn’t want to be that person that had meth smoke billowing out of her tent. Besides that, I really didn’t ever feel comfortable putting my pipe down at all. That’s why going to nightclubs and staying for about 2 hours or so, right at the end of the night usually worked best for me. I could get a good dose of music, and then be on my way to self medicate.

Even after I quit meth, I didn’t feel comfortable with the idea of going to a music festival. Just too much of everything, and I didn’t see myself being able to handle it. Then I started drinking and partying again and I would have loved to go to one, because that meant an entire weekend of doing what I did best. Fucking up my life.

When I quit drinking and drugging just over 2 years ago, I was invited to my sister in law’s bachelorette party, which was at a weekend long music festival. I said no, because I didn’t see myself being strong enough to spend a weekend, nevermind a day with people drinking and enjoying themselves so freely. The thought terrified me and I decided I would never get to experience a music festival in my lifetime.

Yesterday I thought that I was attending my first festival, which was Electric Love Festival. But today I am realizing it actually wasn’t my first. I had been to one before, back in 2008. Which was the first year of Pemberton Fest. But my memory was so bad that I pushed it away and I forgot I had even been to one before. 

So on Friday I decided that I needed to take a day off and go with my boyfriend to Electric Love. In preparation I not only got together a cooler full of fresh fruit and veggies but also tonnes of snack food. Because I know how I behave when I am feeling nervous. I eat, almost constantly. It’s my coping mechanism. I also prepared myself by trying to not have any assumptions about anything as I went to spend the day enjoying the sun, water, music and friends. I would let go of my past thoughts that the only thing people are doing at music festivals are getting fucked up. Because that was just what my head was telling me.

When we arrived, we were met by my brother at the gate. We were given our wristbands and went to park my car. I was instantly amazed by what I was seeing. It was an idea, that was formed by a group of people. It was something that started so small, for the love of music and getting together, and it had grown into something so comfortable and big. My brother is one of the key people that put together this event, and it was really cool to be there to finally experience it. I expected to only see people I knew, but it’s so much bigger than the small group of people now.

When you add music to something, it grows legs. It becomes something else all on its own and the other people that hear about it, carry it with them and share it with their friends.

I stayed sober and clean for what I will still remember as my first festival, even though I know now that it was my second. For that I’m pretty proud of myself.