I never imagined that I could feel so whole. Like from the core of my soul I feel like everything I have ever wanted, all the wishes that I could have ever wished – have finally been granted to me.
I do not have to live in a constant replay loop of all the awful things I have done, or all the things that I wish I had done – because right now in this very moment I have exactly what I need.
The door of communication has been opened for me and my daughter and for so many years I had this painfully black void in my entire being. No matter how I tried to redirect myself, and no matter how good things had gotten for me I always had that thought in my mind that I just would never be good enough to be anything more than a once a year visit for her.
Since she has started university it is like a new chapter has opened on both her life and mine. I feel strange talking about her right now, because her story is not my story to tell – but everything is starting to make sense to me. When you spend so long wishing for something to happen and it finally does – it feels like being in a movie with a really fairy tale ending.
We were talking about Christmas gifts and what each other wanted, and she asked if I had a wish list – I was straight up honest with her in that I have spent many years wishing to reconnect with her and that for the first time ever that wish has come true. I have worked really hard to get my life to a stable and healthy place and I finally feel like I am good enough.
I am good enough.
To hear your own child for the first time when they are 18 years old respond to a ‘love you goodnight’ with a ‘love you’ right back – has opened up this entire world of hope and love. It feels like my chest could just explode with hearts, unicorns and sparkly things. I know that sounds weird, but the feelings that I am are experiencing are like nothing I could have ever dreamed of.
The absence of you for so many years was an unimaginable pain that I do not wish upon anybody, but the connection with you now is just so special to me. Everything finally feels whole in my life. Everything just feels right. I feel like a whole person – just so complete.
Thank you for letting me in.
Becoming Brave 