Things.

All is well in my life right now. I feel like I am at a place of self acceptance with my body, acceptance and managing my mental health, and working towards being a helpful professional. I am thriving in university. I am feeling really good inside and for the first time in my life I am not waiting for the shoe to drop. I am not anticipating a crash from a state of mania, because I am learning that sometimes I can be just happy – without it having to be a state of my mental health.

If I do end up crashing, then I will do the same thing I did the last time I crashed. I will reach out to my family and friends, I will contact my doctor and I will adjust my treatment plan accordingly. I know now that I cannot do any of this alone.

I really do miss writing, but the truth is that when I write it tends to create a sort of madness in my mind. I become obsessed with it. Hyperfocused. All I think about when I get caught up in writing, is the words in my head, the constant flow disrupts my day-to-day as I think about what I should post next. I find myself backpeddling with my thoughts and it’s overwhelming. But the outcome is beautiful, and I feel like when I go back and read my words that I have written – I was a different person then.

Each entry I write I find myself evolving into a different person, who eventually and inevitably will either cease to write because I am healed, or cannot stop writing because I have created a madness that cannot be stopped.

To be honest I would be happy with even just slight blips of hyperfocus on writing out what’s going on in my life, and then being able to just return back to my normal life without becoming obsessed. I am not there yet, but I hope to be one day because I really miss writing.