By default.

So much has happened since I last wrote an entry. I have graduated from University with honours, I went back to school, I bought myself a new car, I visited my daughter, I lived, I breathed. I succeeded in everything that was put in front of me.

There is so much I have wanted to write about but it seems like it is all piling up. The pile of things are too big now and so I ignore them. I sweep them under a rug and I let them stay hidden. These things do not make me sick like they used to. These are just rambling thoughts.

I am in the bath right now and it is so hot that I am sweating. My hands are slippery and yet I still hold my phone clumsily. It is time to write and I am still fumbling to figure out what to start with.

My life maybe, and how everything is just the way it should be. But what does that mean? My life relative to what else? If I compare it to how it was before then things are perfect. Everything is perfect. But there has been a quiet uneasiness within me and I do not know when it started. But it is here and it becomes more. I feel so occupied with my full schedule and yet when it is quiet I feel a loss. I feel like there is something missing.

I am missing something. If I said that I couldn’t quite place my finger on it, then I would be lying. I didn’t think that I could be a mother when I was using, nor when I was first sober. I thought that I would be an awful mother. I pushed it down. I wrote it off because I would never be enough.

Then it started to creep back in, but I thought I had stopped it dead in its tracks. The idea of starting a family this late in life, with no security yet. With no money. That’s it. It is money, because if I won the lottery my dream would be to have a big family, and live in a big house. I would still work of course, but then I would have the financial security that it requires to have children.

I know this is all just a dream to me, but my body is fighting me nearly every day. My instincts are that I should be building a family with children and a future. I only know what my family has done before me, to break that mold feels so strange.

I know that one day I will be a grandmother, by default – but will I ever have the chance to be a mother?