Living.

There is a trickster that is living in my head these days. I keep finding myself thinking thoughts that don’t feel like mine. Some of them are dark. But the thoughts that are at that spot, the one that actually makes decisions, are really getting to me.

I keep pausing for moments to find myself arguing with myself why I should quit school. That this is starting to feel like more than I signed up for. The sharpness of mania has subsided and I think this has alot to do with my medication change. I am starting to feel like a fraud, in every sense of the word.

I think about the road ahead and how much work is going to be involved in it and something is telling me no. Something keeps coming back into my thoughts and trying to change my mind. That where I am should be good enough to get a sub-par job. That where I am is enough.

I feel so bad for even thinking the thought of wanting to just quit, nevermind actually saying it out loud. But it’s eating me up. I don’t think I’m cut out for this. For any of this. I feel like I’ve been faking this for so long and it’s catching up to me. These thoughts are not even the darkest in my mind but they are the most dangerous because it’s trying to take me down.

I have a future, and I know this deep down inside. But I can’t see it. I can’t quite visualize where I am even going to be five years from now. What kind of group of people I might want to work with. How will my life look when I’m done school? I can’t even see myself being able to manage the work that is involved in being a third or fourth year student.

Is this just self doubt? By saying this stuff am I going to create a self fulfilling prophecy?

I think I am still in shock at my current place in life. I’ve come so far, and yet at the same time this is the hardest thing I’ve ever have to do in my entire life.

For once in my life I am really living, and it’s so fucking hard.