I wish.

I just looked at myself in the mirror and it feels like I don’t recognize myself. This happens often now but it’s a surprise every time. I feel so far away from the person I am seeing.

I don’t even analyze what I am seeing, I just don’t feel like I recognize the face in the mirror. I feel like I’m somewhere else, looking at someone else.

This thing started quite some time ago but I would only have rare moments of Woah who is that? And now it’s so frequent that I feel like it’s part of me. That combined with having the same feeling about any people that I might be in the middle of a conversation with. It’s been called dissassociating, but how do I even know that’s what it is? I remember it happening, I feel present – but I feel like I am a different presence.

I am almost hesitant to go back to my counsellor after I told my boyfriend and my sister in law briefly about what she had said to me about thinking of might not even be bipolar but that she sees it as dissassociative identity disorder. I felt like that made sense when we talked about it more but I almost didn’t want to talk about it. Like it was too weird to even acknowledge. Then I was told by those around me that it wasn’t possible. I was bipolar and nothing else.

I wish I came with a handbook that I could properly understand everything about myself. So I might be able to explain why. Why am I the way that I am?

I just looked in the mirror again and I still don’t recognize myself.

Maybe it’s that I am changing so fast, and my mind has been sick for so long that it’s finally starting to become clear. I am seeing things for the way they truly are – finally. My vision is changing because my brain is healing. Maybe.

I wish I knew the answers.