I can fucking do this.

Hey. Guess what?

I am doing this. I am continuing to do exactly what I was doing before all this sadness took over. I am going to continue to fight for my right to live a good life. 

I earned every single seat that I have ever sat in, in my entire life. The seat I currently occupy is the only seat I have ever wanted to be in. I am literally in the driver seat of all the goals and aspirations that I could ever have imagined. 

I have had no desire to drink, since I quit. But these past few days have been texting me. They were testing me because when I asked how I was supposed to stay sober through this, I didn’t mean that I was going to drink. I meant that I actually needed advice on how people deal with real, present, current and strong grief. The kind that I have never had happen to me – ever – sober.

I have been not so much dealing with my grief from my past, because it’s not the time yet. Even my counsellor has told me that we need to work on my coping strategies before we even bring that box down.

But when an unwrapped box of grief fell at my feet, I had no idea what to do with it. 

So I cried. I posted angry stuff. I grieved. And now I have to put my school game face back on – because that’s the only way that I will be able to battle these demons. 

The only way that I will be able to do anything useful to help with this culture – this culture that is literally killing our friends – is to continue in school. To become a social worker.

I need to continue, not so that I can reverse time – but so that I can help create change for the future. I need to stay sober. I need to stay focused. I need to keep my head held high, because I am in charge of my own decisions. I decide what my next step is going to be. 

I am lucky to have made it out alive. I am even more lucky that I have been given the opportunity to go to University. The universe is on my side. I can do this.

I can fucking do this.