I have been feeling something strange for the past few days. It’s like a quiet has washed over me. I have no desire to leave the house, and when I do I feel a bit of a panic. Like something is going to happen to me and I won’t get the chance to go to school. So I feel safe at home, I feel safe under the shelter of these walls.
I can only compare what’s going on to be like the calm before the storm. It’s eerie. It’s strange because I have never been here before yet it feels so familiar. The success and the rewards of sobriety are abundant in my life – but each time something new happens I am still in shock.
6 more sleeps and I will be officially a university student.
When I talk about it to anyone, I feel like I might start squeeling and crying. I try to keep myself calm but the plain and simple fact is that I don’t really think this is real life. I feel like I’m hallucinating the entire thing. Why did the universe choose me to recover and succeed in life? Why are there so many people still suffering out there. Why me?
A small part of me doesn’t want to do it. I want to stay the same. I want to be the same. I just want to be ordinary. I want to live my ordinary life, with all my ordinary things. I don’t want to have to live up to some greater expectations of myself.
I am scared of the future because I will finally have to face the truth. My truth. I will have to really take a look at everything that my life was and is. I will have to stand against all the darkness that tries to tell me to stay ordinary.
I am not unique. I have been told this time and time again. There are many people who have the same insides as me. The solution is unlocked with the very same key.
But as a whole I am not ordinary. I can see that my story and my future are completely extraordinary. I know this because when I tell people about where I am going next week and where I have been – they too are squeeling and almost crying.
I feel paralyzed at home here. I feel good and I feel bad. I feel so many things right now that it doesn’t feel like anything anymore.
Everything good that has happened in my life has been the result of listening to the clues and the cues of the universe. Anytime that I have stepped in the way of that and tried to reroute my path, I was made aware that what I was doing was selfish. When I live in self my life is in shambles. I want to burn my life to the ground when I am in self.
So right now I’m just going to sit here and wait for another cue and clue about what the next few days are going to look like for me.
Becoming Brave 