I will do this.

I don’t know if I am just purely happy, or completely manic right now. It feels like it’s just happiness but it’s hard to tell because it’s not often in my life that I have been able to experience happiness without mania, or substances. So let’s call this happiness, because I am overflowing with so much goodness right now. It’s spilling out of me.

I want to throw my hands in the air and scream at the top of my lungs. I want to scream how I am alive, and how I wasn’t before. I want the world to know that there is a light side to the darkness. I need to show people who have suffered the same as me, that when someone tells them they can change, that there can be truth in it. Recovering from a hopeless state of mind is possible. Not just recovering but thriving.

I want to stand on the rooftops and scream for all to hear me, that there is love and there is light and there is so much hope through surviving addiction. Through surviving a lifetime of suicidal thoughts. Through living through and maintaining mental health when being bi-polar. There is something so powerful about coming out alive.

It’s so powerful that it’s fueling my fire. It’s lit something so deep in the core of my soul that is so powerful it’s catapulting me into the sky, over and over again.

I am scared, so so scared about what’s in store for me in the next 2 years of school. But just as I have done in my recent past, I will use the resources that are provided for me. I will not forget who I am or where I have been. I will be aware of my possible mental and emotional limitations. I will take care of myself. I will push, but not until I break. I will succeed, even if that means crying and having micro breakdowns once every few weeks. I will do this.

I will succeed because I need to show the judge in me, that I will not let myself be judged and ruled by fear any longer.

I will do this.