I have the choice.

I really wanted to stay in bed all day today. Something in my mind and body were trying to convince me I was sick. The first time I woke up, it was with a horrible headache that felt like the verge of a migraine. The second time I woke up was because I had a 5 minute long muscle spasm that was causing me to scream and cry. No matter how much I tried to relax and massage the spasm, it kept getting worse. The third time I woke up was because I was sweating so uncontrollably that the bed was soaked with sweat. But I wasn’t feeling hot. The room did not feel warm at all. I just felt soaked and disgusting.

A part of my brain was telling me that I was sick and I needed to stay in bed until the afternoon.

I had to pull myself out of bed. I know that I am in charge of doing that. I am the only person that can get me out of bed. I make the choice. I hold the day right there in the palm of my hand.

It’s crazy how awesome I felt the past few days. Like seriously kickass. I felt like life was just going so good, minus a few little self caused stresses that were solved quickly. Everything was just feeling right about life.

And then today I wake up, and it’s just like old behaviors. I guess I forget often that these behaviors are not old. They are current. Just because I got out of those behaviors for a few days doesn’t mean that I’ve changed the way I deal with things. 

I am working on it.

I really am. So I got up and made my way to a meeting. I spent the afternoon with a friend from school and her daughter and we hung out at my brother’s cemetery. I am realizing this is a really grounding thing to do, because if I ever feel like things are getting too bad, too much, or too anything. All I need to do is look at my brother’s gravestone.

He didnt even get a chance, because he let his sickness win. He will never know all the things I have known. The things I will see and feel. Learn. Love. Conquer. Express. Experience. 

So for me ever to create drama rooted in my own thoughts. To make something out of nothing and let it grow into a huge thing that tries to take me down, and keep me in bed – is absolutely selfish of me.

Because some people don’t even have a chance or choice whether they make it out of bed, and through the day.

I do.

I have the choice in the morning where my day is headed.