At my family doctor’s waiting to do my mental health care plan, which hasn’t been updated for years apparently. Moments after I walk in the door I am informed I am to be weighed and my height and waist measured. I am ok with this, because they measure in kilos and centimeters so for it to even actually sink into my brain, I have to pull my phone out and do a google search for the conversion.
I don’t want to know my weight, and I don’t want to know how thick my waist is, but something in me tells me that it needs to know. So I pull up Google and when is really the results I can’t help but think she measured me wrong. I am not that big. But in reality, I know I am that big. It’s just I have gotten used to sort of squinting at myself when I look on mirrors that are not at my house. I sweat the mirrors that are at home are all trick mirrors because I think I have accepted my image that I see in them.
How can my mind be so warped as to how I feel about my body at any given moment. It’s like I can’t make up my mind about how I feel about myself. Or even make up my mind about how I feel in general.
Driving here, I felt good for the first 10 minutes. The sun shining, music playing, fresh air coming in through my window. Then something just switched in me and it was if I went into autopilot mode.
During that autopilot mode I had some time to think about what has been going on with me. The whole darkness that is literally trying to eat me alive.
It’s because I’m high-functioning and when there is nothing in my schedule I just don’t know how to live. Like give me things to fill my time. I need goals to achieve. I need to conquer mountains because when I don’t I feel so very low.
So maybe the solution for these breaks from school would be to set goals for myself. Not necessarily mountain sized goals, but at least something for me to set my alarm for in the morning.
In order for me to stay well, I need to feel well. In order for me to feel well, I need to be conquering my daily demons.
Sometimes it feels like my daily demons are just putting my feet on the floor, but I know that it’s bigger than that. It’s that I need to find purpose for myself in every single day, to be able to want to put my feet to the floor. To find the courage inside of me to move forward.