Can’t stop.

I want to believe my doctor, because he’s my doctor. But even when he explained to me what the plan was to address my throat clearing, I was looking at him like an idiot.

So much that he even mentioned the look that I had on my face.

He did the nose, ears and mouth thing and found no sign of infection. He asked all the questions that were under the sun, because that’s what doctor’s do. I said no to all of them, and then I suggested to him about anxiety. He looked at my medications and told me that both of them were for anxiety. That we should just increase my dose because I was on the minimum of each.

This is the part where I step in. Because my doctor doesn’t know what it’s like to be me. To live inside this mind, in this body. I stood my ground and I told him I would not let him increase my dose of wellbutrin. Because often I find that it’s the cause of my mania. It feels like it would be the root of the anxiety, because it’s that kind of medication. But wellbutrin, helps to keep me well.
So then he suggested an increase in my other medication, Seroquel. Which I only take at night to counter act the wellbutrin. It shuts my brain down, and lets me get the rest I need to. I couldn’t understand how my nighttime meds would fix my throat clearing problem because it’s a daytime issue.

I didn’t feel confident with what he was telling me, but he didn’t want to prescribe me anything new. I made it clear that I wasn’t looking for any ‘take as needed’ medication, because I cannot be responsible for that. I made it clear that I cannot be taking anything that is addictive and habit forming. But by the end of the conversation I found myself thinking that those were the only options, and that’s why he wasn’t prescribing me anything new.

He did prescribe me a nasal spray, which I don’t understand what its purpose is for. I use it once a day, 2 sprays in each nose. He told me that it should help, but what? What can this nasal spray help?

And what did me doubling up on my Seroquel help, like he prescribed to me? It made me sleep deeper, and longer. It made me feel heavy when I woke up. I felt rested, I felt hopeful that when I woke up my throat would be fine.

And I think it was, until it wasn’t. And now it’s worse than ever before. 

I know I’m not supposed to call myself crazy because it feeds into the stereotypes that people put others into, it grows the stigma into something that resembles an overgrown blackberry bush. But I feel crazy. I feel like the craziest person on the planet.

I had a customer last night suggest that I take a sip of water, just before she hung up the phone. I laughed and I told her I was it were that simple. She told me that it sounded like I was catching a cold – I could only wish. I could only wish that this was a cold. I told her it was a nervous habit, and I could feel her sympathy right through that phone line.

Because I am feeling like I am going mad.

I just can’t stop.

Stunting.

I have an appointment with my family doctor later this morning. I don’t want to take more medication but I can’t seem to get underneath this anxiety, that is causing my often constant throat clearing.

It’s been 19 days since I’ve vaped, and I feel pretty confident that what is happening with me now has nothing to do with vaping anymore. 

I was so frustrated and angry and exhausted last night – mostly from clearing my throat while I was trying to study for my midterms. I lay down in bed for a few minutes with the lights on and a blanket over top of me and I had every intention of staying in bed until morning. That was just after 7 pm. I skipped out on my cycle class, and I said it was because I was full and tired – but it was because I was tired of clearing my throat.

I had an in class assignment for my communications class yesterday and it almost made me quit school. I couldn’t stop clearing my throat. I couldn’t handle myself. I feel like I’m loosing control.

When my counsellor suggested anxiety medication I told her no. I explained to her that I cannot have a bottle of pills that says use as required. I am an addict through and through and that’s not safe for me. She told me that there is other medication that I would take daily that would help. I still said no.

But yesterday I finally realized that this is out of control. I can’t get under this anxiety – because half the time I have no idea what’s causing it. Going to buy three bags of lozenges that will probably only last me two days, is ridiculous. I now have two different essential roller bottles that help alot, until they don’t.

I feel like there is invisible forces trying to destroy me. I am sitting in bed because I am scared if I get up right now I will start clearing my throat.

This small thing has developed into something that feels like it’s destroying me. From my throat all the way out to the rest of my body.

I can’t live like this anymore. I feel like this is stunting me.

Still.

I did another Zumba class last night and I found myself ashamed of my body. That my legs were flapping everytime I moved. I awkwardly tried pulling my shorts down lower, but they kept moving up. 

I felt so ashamed because I feel like this body does not belong to me. I don’t know who this body belongs to, but I don’t want to be in this anymore.

I don’t recognize myself. I feel so much different inside, than I look on the outside. I feel so happy, and light and airy inside of me. The outside is so heavy, and dark. 

I spent my life obsessing over my physical self, but never doing anything positive about it. So now when I look at myself as a whole, I feel regret. I feel wasted for all the years that I knew I was doing wrong.

The weight has been coming back on fast when I removed vaping from being my last habit. I found myself needing to occupy my hands. So food was the next thing in line. Also I find that when I am eating I am less likely to have an episode of clearing my throat.

I have had really bad days and only semi good days with the throat clearing issue. I am still consuming about a dozen throat lozenges or more a day. I don’t want to clear my throat but sometimes it feels like it’s the only thing I have.

Why do I need a vice or a tic in my life? I don’t understand why there is anxiety, when I don’t feel it? I can’t see it so how can it even be there?

I need to be calm. I need to relax myself. I need to learn to slow down my thoughts because I feel like I’m racing all the time now.

I shouldn’t even be writing this blog post, I have too much too do. Three midterms coming up, and two of them are next week. I don’t know if I am even studying right for them. I don’t know what I’m doing here, but I am trying.

I am going to continue to try, everything that makes me feel uncomfortable. Because I am still learning.

I am still learning.

I am still.

New habit.

Today I started a new habit. Because I’m really good at habits, I thought this one should be a good one.

I went to my first cycling class. I didn’t die. This is kinda huge, because I hate doing stuff with my body. It’s like I want my body to change but I don’t want to do stuff. Stuff always seems too difficult. 

But this was different. I now have a one month pass for all the rec centres in this area, and there are so many classes they are offering. I have decided to go with one of my oldest friends ( she isn’t the oldest in age, we have just been friends since high school) – this will keep me accountable. This will also keep things fun.

I spent $40 at lush today, because I need to remember to practice self care. I have been running on high octane since school started and this week I could feel it. Everything I did was sluggish. One and a half cups of tea just wasn’t enough. It felt like I was going in the slowest of motion. This was a huge drop from the weeks prior, when I felt like every waking moment was school. I felt in control of everything.

But this morning reminded me that I was so broken, and now I am finally figuring out how to pick up the pieces. I fell apart when my counsellor was tapping on my knees. If that isn’t a sign of something being too full inside of me, I don’t know what is.

I have no vices left, which means that anything I feel is going to come out. It’s going to make its way to the surface whether I have any say – or not. 

Now I need to keep my body, mind, soul, spirit all balanced otherwise this life that I am working towards, it’s going to fall apart.

I’m glad that I picked up a new habit.

All out of tears.

This morning I found myself wanting to call and cancel my appointment with my counsellor at school. I couldn’t see anything worth talking about today, because everything is going so good for me.

I arrived at school an hour early and sat in my car for a bit before heading to the office. I still felt like there was nothing to talk about.

I sat in the front of the office and waited for half an hour and I argued with myself. I didn’t need to see her. What would we talk about? I’m sure someone else has more important things to share with her.

When I sat down in her office, I still felt like I had nothing to say. I told her how awesome school was and that I realized I was high functioning.

Then there was a long pause afterwards. My mouth fell open and I started to tell her about my throat clearing obsession. My tic that won’t go away.

How do I stop clearing my throat, when I can’t stop clearing my throat?

She asked me why I wanted to stop clearing my throat.

Because it’s fucking embarassing.

To which she asks me why? Something is snapping in me. I don’t want to look at her in the eyes anymore. My body language changes. I want to run. I don’t want to be here. I have too many bags to carry. Too much stuff.

The temperature of the room changed as she started talking to my about what was going on. She said I needed to ground myself. She asked if she could tap on my knees and I could tell her how much the urge to clear my throat was. So she tapped, and I started crying. Something poured out of me as she was tapping on my knees.

It was like she was tapping into some raging river that rushed down my face.

Trauma. It’s all trauma. The throat clearing is anxiety, and this is how it’s escaping my body. I have had either had tics, or addiction my entire life.

When I was in elementary school I used to make this reverse throat burping sound in the back of my throat. It felt like I was making a frog sound. I felt like I couldn’t breathe if I didn’t do it. I have no idea how long this went on for, but it was embarassing. I was so ashamed. Around the same time I used to pull my hair out in chunks. I would do this mostly at school, and I thought it was pretty neat that it didn’t hurt me.

I’ve obsessively bite my nails until they were bleeding for many years when I was younger. I used to obsessively spit, sometimes even inside the house when I was a teenager. I had to constantly spit. I couldn’t stop. 

And then I found drugs. 

And all my things that I did seemed to stop. They became something else.

Until the drugs were gone. And everything was fine… Until it wasn’t.

How can I have anxiety when I don’t feel like I have anxiety? This is going to be a long process. I thought I was doing so well, but apparently I’m just not dealing with the trauma that has happened in my life.

I’m all out of tears.

For everyone.

After this morning’s post I felt sick. I was shaking like a leaf. It felt like I had just done a huge line. Everything on my body and in a five foot radius felt like it was vibrating. 

I finished doing my makeup, and I actually started to rethink going to see my tutor because I was in no condition to drive. Or so that’s what it felt like.

I stopped myself from letting myself get carried away. I had just let go of something that has been sitting on my chest for over 15 years. Just sitting there. Taunting me. Beating me down. Reminding me that I was a bad person. That I didn’t deserve anything but what I was getting. Every single day I filled myself with poison once I realized how rotten I was. I couldn’t stop. 

What am I fighting for? 

When that question was answered with 

I don’t know how to answer that.

I knew I was doomed.

That demon is not on my chest anymore. I was sitting crossed legged at my makeup table. It felt safe, until I realized I was in panic mode. So I placed my feet on the floor. I tried the relaxation and grounding technique that my school counsellor showed me. I didn’t have enough patience for it to help, but it shifted my mind to something other than the heaviness that just fell out of my heart.

Maybe I was shaking because I had been carrying this for so long, that suddenly I was less full than before. That my heart was now able to move around freely inside my chest. My heart was rattling and it made me shake.

I am taking a little break from working on my flashcards for one of my midterms. I’ve been sitting here for 2 hours, and I have 2 more hours to go before class starts. 

I now know what it is that I am fighting for.

I am fighting for justice, for equality, for balance, for access, for rights, for truth, for hope, for options, for advocacy, for life, for help, for redemption, for love, for growth, for education, for security, for awareness, for everyone.

Heavy stuff.

I’ve been fighting writing about this. I have been biting my tongue because this hits really close to home.

I was sitting in class yesterday afternoon and the teacher was doing a lecture. The class was quiet. I feel like I may have been elsewhere in my mind. When I saw something on the projector screen about child abuse, something inside of me told me to speak.

That I needed to share what was inside of me. I first asked 

At what point does a child stop being a fetus, and becomes a child? If a woman is poisoning her child in utero, what can be done? When do social services actually step in?

And I was shocked. To hear that a child is not a child until it’s born.

Something just started to spill out of me. I warned my classmates that they would hate me once I told them how I was really asking about my situation. The room opened up wide and we talked about it. Openly. Freely. 

I felt like everything from my past was just spilling out. It finally made sense. All of it made sense. Why nobody got involved. Why no social workers were ever involved with us. No phone calls were ever made. I also found out that just because someone is using drugs, and there are children in the house – it’s not enough to have the children taken away. So it’s not enough to poison your child in utero. It’s not enough to afterwards have social services involved because you are an addict. It’s not enough to be able to fight for your child, because you are made to feel and look like the piece of shit you feel like.

I was part of a downtown Eastside woman’s pregnancy program, once I found out I was 2 months pregnant and had been using. The doctor there, told me… 

Don’t quit cold turkey – you will loose the baby.

When I was brought to the hospital after being awake for 5 days…. They had 3 different people talk to me. I was in this little room. I was scared but I felt like maybe finally someone would help me. I needed help. I was so small. My voice was nothing. I was so naive. They told me

 You know what you need to do.

Then they sent me home. That was the last time someone had spoken to me about what was going on with my body. 

Now tell me, why is there a gap? Why is there such a huge gap in helping people who need the help. Young girls who are addicted to drugs and are still so new. So brand new. They are carrying their first child. They want help, they don’t know what help even looks like.

Then their baby stops coming home, because they are so broken. They have become addicted again. They are being evicted. Nobody will rent to them because of bad credit. There is no money. They cannot provide for the child. They cannot be a mum anymore. There is no hope. There is no help because they have isolated themselves. The cycle continues. But social services is never called – because there is a gap in the system.

I’m shaking right now. I want to vomit. I’m trying to get ready for my tutor appt before class and I had to say something. I couldn’t hold this in. This gap in the system is awful.

I am exactly where I need to be.

I can manage.

I’m onto day 8 of no vaping. I feel fine. I don’t crave nicotine because it had been a really long time since I had actually had a substantial amount of it in my vape. It was all in my head.

I went from smoking to not smoking, and then to vaping because I needed a vice back. December 2015 was the last time I had a cigarette. I turned to food and gained 15 lbs almost instantly. 

The reason I went to vaping was because I wanted to pick up a pack of smokes. I was tired of eating garbage all the time and felt like nicotine would help curb my appetite. I felt like my body needed and wanted the nicotine. When I vaped I started at 3mg and very soon after started cutting my nicotine levels down. 

At about day 4 I thought that I should start vaping again – not because I wanted or needed nicotine – but because I figured that my throat clearing had nothing to do with the vaping. I was quitting vaping only because I thought I had to.

I googled searched again because I’m great with dr.google. We have an amazing relationship. So it was actually the first time that I read something that I had thought previous, and just needed some confirmation. It is not a medical problem that’s wrong with me. It’s all in my head. The throat clearing was an issue, but because I kept doing it so obsessively I have now irritated my throat so much, that it’s having a hard time healing. So everytime I start clearing my throat again, I become obsessive. I can’t stop. So now I am avoiding it as much as possible. Helping the healing process is really all I can do. There is no magic pill. And unless I want to be put in a coma to facilitate the healing process, I will have to learn to be mindful.

It’s early and I am sitting back in bed waiting for my tea to cool down. Bed is the best place I find myself being able to read text books. School and coffee shops work best for reading through articles and highlighting. Work I find to be a great environment for all of the above. I usually will go in a few hours before we open so that I can spread my entire backpack all over the table. I also have the luxury of being able to do homework during work – in between customers. I am maximizing all the time that I have. 

I wish this entry had something to actually say. But I am not suffering right now, and my whole life I’ve only really been able to write when I was suffering, on drugs – or rolling through mania.

Often I find myself missing writing multiple times a day. Then I remember those days. I often go back and read what was happening and it’s not that anything was really happening, but I was creating a mess. Like actually taking my own thoughts and twisting them and pulling them into the world’s biggest problem. Sometimes they were actually problems, but in those cases they were out of my control. 

Anything that happened in my past is out of my control now. I am in charge of only one thing these days. I am in charge of today.

That – I can manage.