New parts of me.

Life has gotten really busy. Almost too busy for thinking or even writing. Until now…

I remember when I first started dating my boyfriend, he didn’t want me to meet his daughter. He said that if she came for a visit I could go to the park where they were playing together, and I could sit on a bench. That I could pretend to be a stranger, but that she would not meet me as his girlfriend. Because I was not the person that a man would want to introduce his child to. I was in shambles and it was even obvious from the outside. I’m sure some part of him also thought that I was just a passing thought.

I’m not that person anymore. My boyfriend was working on Friday and I got to spend the day with his daughter. By myself. Because he has no reason to be ashamed of me anymore. I am no longer just a passing thought. I am an active participant.

This is huge.

Another huge thing is the reality that I will be starting university in less than a month. I have bought all the school supplies I will need, including a backpack on wheels. I just got a laptop, thanks to my dad for being my co-signer because my credit is currently in a state of rebuilding. I am ready, but I am still waiting for the confirmation email that says my funding has been approved. I am nervous as I wait for this moment. So nervous that my throat clearing obsession has come back full force. Sometimes I can stop for a few days, or even a whole morning as it was earlier today. Then my mind starts going and it’s not like I’m even thinking about the stuff I am stressing about – it’s just coming out of me in physical problems. 

I have been having very small amounts of coffee nearly everyday. I’ve been trying to stay awake longer in the days because once I am in school I won’t be able to get 10 – 12 hours sleep a night. I don’t know if this minor amount of caffeine is causing mania, or if this is just what normal people feel like when there days are constantly going until they put their head on their pillow.

Also the problem with eating has snuck right back. The constant need to consume is literally consuming me. I can’t stop. I can’t control it anymore. Wait, what? Since when did my brain decide that it was no longer in control. I got this. I am the one that makes decisions about what I am going to put into my body. I don’t need to consume garbage. I have the power within me to make decisions about my life. I am not helpless anymore.

I was also obsessing over my book, and I don’t want to obsess over anything. I don’t want to rush anything in my life – especially not my book. So it’s not a priority anymore. Not until Christmas break rolls around. The priority now is getting my mind right before school starts. I need to be in the right mind set to move forward.

I need to learn to be easier on myself. I am not the person I used to be. I’m different now. But with being a different person comes experiencing things that are completely new to me. I am stunted in so many ways, and way beyond my time in others. I feel like something that has been broken many times over and then bits and pieces of me have been replaced with new parts. I’m really just trying to get the hang of working with the new parts of me